First of all why black background? Well.. as you all know recently my HR tried to conspire against me and put me up in HSSE (Health Safety Security & Environment) dept which I tactfully prevented by bringing in Big boss into picture. Yeppy!!! I am back in marketing…….. That’s why the day, I was brought back in marketing I bowed, that will always care about the environment and will never crack jokes on HSSE guys. HSSE rocks man…..
According to some Google cool dude “Black background saves energy because the screen is predominantly black. "Image displayed is primarily a function of the user's color settings and desktop graphics, as well as the color and size of open application windows; a given monitor requires more power to display a white (or light) screen than a black (or dark) screen." Roberson et al, 2002
In January 2007 a blog post titled Black Google Would Save 750 Megawatt-hours a Year proposed the theory that a black version of the Google search engine would save a fair bit of energy due to the popularity of the search engine”.
So that’s the short story of me using black background. After all whatever I do there is always a story behind it, isn’t it? … So what’s the story behind me (the most pathetic blog writer ever) getting back to blogging? Honestly…. even I don’t remember when was the last time wrote something… Was it a apology letter to “Freckles” or update in about me for Orkut account? Whatever it was… but the purpose of all that was to keep on teasing the insane “Big foot”. (Off course this blog is also ment for the same purpose) but this time it’s different. This time I thought I will write the way “Big Foot” would have wrote her blog.
So here I am… and the story starts on a perfect romantic day of the year… Valentines Day. Yak.. to be very honest. I hate V day (which is what we’ll be calling it from here on coz it sounds so much cooler than Valentine’s day and my word is god, so there)
I hate V day because this is the most mindless day in the entire year where mindless 13-year olds give pink plastic roses to other mindless 13-year olds who croon about how swwweeeeeeeeeet that is and then they all go live happily ever after…. At least in Karan-Johar-land such things do happen.
Meanwhile I honestly think V day was invented by Archies Galleries coz their business was going down and the only way they would have survived is by creating this day. The next could be the chocolate or teddy bear company…
Flash back @#@#!@#@
College Days:
I still remember we had developed a complex system to celebrate V day. Means.. we were the elite bunch of students got admission to prestigious electronics department of SRKNEC. Few stupid’s like me even left Lata Mageshker College of Medical Science (Thank god I left that otherwise I would have been Dr. Sagar… Sounds like a character in Ekta Kapoor’s K seriese…. Yakkkkkkkk) Ok back to dress code… so here was our engineered solution…. we devised a highly intelligent and complex system of color-codes to indicate to the opposite sex if we wanted to ‘make friendship with them’. If you wore red, you were already spoken for. Green meant, go ahead I’m open. Yellow meant, let’s just be friends. Multicolored meant, I am Gig just ready for anything, anywhere absolutely free of cost in fact If the need be, then I will pay you back.
Another common custom (this time for opposite sex) of this elaborate mating/dating ritual included….. A random Babe will come and sit besides you…she will not be alone another random babe (friend of 1st one) will always accompany her and then this random babe will start talking to you regarding projects… despite your dressing shouting loudly that the only thing you care for this day is the big Date but still this randombabe will keep on distracting you to studies… Finally azimuth will reach when you are about to grade the randombabe as CHIPKU and suddenly at that moment, the friend of random babe will come into picture and interfere saying she is getting bored or she will bring something to eat. This is the point when you are suppose to ask her to come out for a dinner/movie etc etc….. If you don’t then ur either a geek or you only believe in soft toys…
This is all true for “Maal” (Maal is abbreviation for good looking gal) but if the girl is ugly then this is your point to score. If you don’t ask “Rumal” (Ugly gal) to go out then she will hold your hand extending a rose and saying – I love you. Do you love me? – And when you reply – no, you bitch, I’ve never seen your face before in my life – She would get all depressed and slink away into some corner of the campus. Invariably, three days later, random Babe’s best friend will walk up to you, call you out from class (random babe’s and her cronies are usually pretty gals, which means they can pull any guy out of class anytime) and say – why did you refuse her love? She used to be a gold medalist, but because of love failure now she is failing in everything.
Before you can devise a rational argument to counter her irrefutable logic, random Babe’s best friend number two (The most ugliest and fattiest gal/tomboy in the group), who has throughout this conversation been in the background with her eyes starring at your pants, will come forward and loudly declare – Bhadwa Sala “Pyar karna nahi tha too line kyon mari”? Now you don’t want to listen what a guy will reply to that. Do you?
Then friend one and friend two will put their heads together and get random dudett out of depression. Random babe meanwhile, her being ever the pro-active hyper-enthu, would have in this time been frantically reading up on Ayn Rand (Gals know only two books “Atlas Shrugged or Fountain Head”) on what to do when you want to be a winner in life( not to mention without any love).
So that’s the E- series customs and rituals that collectively make V day the happy Archie’s or teddy-bears festival and morons like us still celebrate…
However, this year was different In addition to regular moral policing of Ma-Na-Se and Shiv Sena, Sri Ram Sene chief Mutalik has decided to safeguard Indian sentiments by cracking down hard on immoral acts like celebrating V-day. I agree with him completely. Valentine’s day is against Indian culture. How dare people publicly display affection! Everyone knows that Indians don’t have sex. One billion people? Dude, you must have double vision or something. It’s just me here in India. Who you gonna believe, me or the National Census Bureau which is run by corrupt government?
So to show my solidarity with his cause, and as I would anyway be in Mumbai on Saturday… Don’t laugh most of the time bloody I have to spend my weekend on ship’s with those crazy creatures who don’t know the world beyond 5450 BHP 600 deck capacity with summer draft of 5.1m PSV,….So this time I decided I must find a random Babe and then go out drinking that night (which is also against Indian culture, because we all know that the Indian Gals is anatomically programmed to only cook Dal Bati. This is backed by the irrefutable scientific data that Mutalik possesses and guards safely in a vault within his underwater secret cave) and get arrested as an example and warning to loose and forward women everywhere. See, this is what you get if you visit bars! You get put behind bars. So with such noble intentions in heart, I called my best friend, who called a friend, who agreed to boldly go where no Gal has gone before – or in this case, on a first date in Mumbai at Hard Rock Café.
So anyway, V night at Hard Rock it was. Except that at eight in the evening, blind datebabe messages saying that something has come up and she can’t make it. First of all, who the hell cancels a eight pm date AT eight pm? And more importantly, who will take on Mutalik now? Of course, the fact that I’ve been stood up on a Saturday night in Mumbai, and all my other friends have already made plans, and my colleagues have left on an earlier flight to their beloved ones while I had nothing to do with me telling blinddatebabe to go stuff yellow banana flavored calcium sticks in her mouth. I was so frustrated by the fact that now I will not be able to take on Mutalik and other moral parties… Shit man… I called up my friend to confirm whether the blinddatebabe is really his friend or a professional from “Woodo’s Colaba”? He reconfirmed that she is a decent gal… Friend: “ Don’t worry yaar, she is very nice gal, her father is ill so she might have decided not to go out, She used to do same thing with me.. but you don’t worry, I have dated her last years she is the bestest gal I have ever slept with… You can smell the exaggeration but you can make out that certainly she is the bestest gal to spend one evening…
Anyway My first date in Mumbai never happened I came out of Hard Rock and started walking towards Mahindra Tower suddenly I realized that I took a wrong turn and my fate turned blue.. One big boob Rosey (another term for Maal) came infront of me. I was about to talk with her and suddenly a big fat muscular hand gave a tap on my shoulder “Saab short term? K long term? For the time being I thought I am marketing my vessel in North Sea spot market where I ask my brokers spot or term? … “Aise kya dekh rahe ho saab? Short term ka 2000 Long term 10 se kam nahi lega” and soon I realized what he wants to say still, I had nowhere to go and I started asking “short term yane kitni der?”, Naya aaya ho kya saab? 1 ghanta maximum ab woo aapke performance pe depend karta k aap 1 ghanta chalawooge ya 5 min?. I: “Par muzhe 1 ghanta nahi chahiye aadhe ghante me ho jayega, too aadhe ghante k hisab se 1000 me pakka karte?... NatthuRammooch type guy: Kya saab kyon majak kar rahe ho? Chalo 1500 me ha bol do ab…
I was trying to pull his leg further but suddenly a Taxi came from behind, Man in the taxi called NatthuRammooch guy… they talked for a while and Big Bood Rosey suddenly disappeared… I only realized that long back she took the rare seat of the taxi when taxi zoomed passed me.
Shit man… I lost another chance of celebrating V day… means how could all this is happening with me? Why me? May be it was my unlucky day or may be the whole month of Feb is unlucky for me.. No wonder I am Feb bourn. Huhhhhhh…
So, I started calling all my female friends but may be it was the Feb factor was behind or maybe all the planets lined up in a straight line and the universe thought, today is lets-screw- V day,….all were busy. Backup number one doesn’t do weekends. Backup number two wanted me to take her to lonavla, all alone for 2-3 days, so I cut her loose. Backup number three just had a breakup with her Boy friend and I had no intention performing a handkerchief act… Back up four was in Pune.
I was down to two options: call up another random Babe (friend of a friend. Aren’t they always?) and head out with someone stupid enough to stay at home on a Saturday night and be willing to go out with someone stupid enough to be home on a Saturday night looking for someone stupid enough…. Wait, did I just uncover an infinite loop of stupidity? Ye gods.
Or option two was drag platonic friend and TLR (read: The Last Resort)….Call up “Big Foot” and destroy her V-Day as, I was fully convinced that it is because of her curse that all the weird things are happening in my life… Oooo god what’s happening to meeee… Even I have started behaving like the E-series random babe… but what should I do? I have already messaged TLR, though she won’t reply back to me but I am sure she must have read it… Should I dispatch flowers to her house apologizing for my act? Or should I go to her home now and wait till she returns…. Naaaa that’s not gonna happen coz if I see TLR with another random dude then random, random will get cancel and only dude and me will remain… which means another fight (off course verbal) Coz TLR will always date someone who can beat me up… but then what should I do?
That’s when I decided I will write a blog and send a link to “Big Foot” alias TLR… See now I have a new way of irritating TLR… after deleted accounts from Orkut and Facebook the only thing on earth which would make TLR read this………. is blog…. See I told you in the beginning I have a story for everything….
Tring Tring…………
Yaa “Paolo” can you fix Greatship Abha for 1 Year in Africa?... Opps….Vessel brokers are calling… nevermind, I will complete the story later …….. BIG FOOT.
